I had been thinking of ending it for a while. For some reason it just didn't feel the same to me anymore. He and I fought a lot, more than I had ever done with any other guy I'd dated. And I don't mean to sound stuck up, but he's not in school, and to me school is very important. I just think that it was the best thing for me to do... at least for right now. It's all very confusing, even I can't explain myself.

When I got off work last night (7:00 p.m.) my friend Sarah was going on her break. I went upstairs and talked to her about the whole situation because I needed another girl's perspective (Justin was the only person who new the whole story, and he has helped me a lot, but I needed to talk to a girl! LOL). She basically told me that if I wasn't 100% happy with how the relationship was going, maybe we needed a break. She gave me a little "pep talk" of sorts, and I realized that this was something I needed to do.

I got home around 8:00 p.m., and Cookie had left me a message. It was very short, and all he said was "we need to talk." So I called him, and he said that he could tell something had been different the past few days, and that I had been "distant." We just sat in silence for a while, because I didn't really know what to say. I mean, if I don't know exactly what's going on in my head, how am I supposed to put it in words to him? I somehow got it out, though.

Then it was over.

I called Justin as soon as Cookie and I hung up. He was the only person I could think of to call, and besides, he knows all about what's going on. He was working (but he answered his cell anyway, haha) and said that he'd call me on his break. When we talked later, I told him what happened, and he agrees that I did the right thing. Then he had a few things to tell me about something else... something else that I don't particularly feel like mentioning... yet. But I will. And it was good news. :)

After I talked to Justin, I called Allie and talked to her about the whole thing. I miss her so much. We don't really talk much anymore, and I only see her once a day after first period, but whenever I talk to her I get all sappy and emotional. I guess because we were so close over the summer, then when school started our "chemistry" (LOL) kind of went away. But we talked for a good hour or so, and it was nice. Then I called Megan and told her what happened. By this point I was very sick of talking about it. Oh, well. Must keep everyone up-to-date.

Later on that night, Ashley called me! I hadn't talked to her in so long (well, we talk online all the time, but you know what I mean). I miss her a lot. It's a bummer that she moved, but she also seems very happy with her "new" life. I'm glad you're doing good, sweetie. :)

I got to bed fine last night, and I didn't even shed a tear, but when I woke up this morning, well... that was a different story. Of course the first thought that came into my mind when I woke was Cookie, and how much I wanted him in bed with me (we always had such good naps together...). My mom and I were sitting on my bed talking, and then I just started bawling. I know I did the right thing. I know I did. It's just that I feel like complete crap. "Well," she said, "you're going to feel like crap for a few days, but you'll get over it." Um... thanks, Momma.

Today we had a "business dress day" for DCT. And of course, on the one random day that we have to wear nice clothes to school it had to pour down rain. Gah! I had just gotten my shirt and pants back from the dry cleaners, too. That sucks. But at least my hair looked cute. I had it up in a twisty type thing, held in place with a claw clip. Allie said I was very professional and that I looked good today. Ohhh yeeeaaaah.

I have come to loathe my first period class. We do the same thing every single day ("Every morning just the same, since the morning that we came to this poor, provincial town..."). One section review from whatever chapter we're in, and that's it. Then we do whatever we want for the rest of the period. Yes, I know, that sounds lovely right? Well, it was at first, but after a while it's just plain boring. I mean, dang! Give me some work to do, please! Granted, I do like the extra time because I get to read, but it's hard to read when you have a bunch of loud obnoxious people surrounding you. They make me want to rip my hair out sometimes...

Speaking of my hair (LOL) I am getting mine cut next Tuesday. I'm getting my highlights re-done, but I'm not sure how I'm going to cut it. I want something different, but I'm afraid that I'll regret it if I do something too drastic. I only need about 1/2 an inch trimmed off to make my ends look more even, but... I might go with one full inch. I'm such a rebel. We'll see come Tuesday...

Today in English we started watching Hamlet (we finished reading it yesterday), and Mel Gibson is in this version! I was so excited. I have the biggest crush on him. Man, I could watch Braveheart a million times and never be sick of it. Mel in kilt = Erin melting. ::drools uncontrollably::

Mrs. Thomas let us go home early today for some reason. When I walked into third period, she was like "You all can go ahead and leave." So I got to leave school at 10:30 a.m.! Sweeeeet!

When I got home, of course I got online. I was just playing on the computer, chillin' in my room, and the doorbell rang. It was Cookie. He was on his lunch break, and said that he only stopped by to get his CD that I had borrowed. I went and got it, gave it to him, then he left. I went back in my room.

Then the doorbell rang again.

He came inside this time, and he said, "I just wanted to ask you... why?" I honestly did not know what to say. I mean, I can't answer that. I couldn't give him a straight answer. We just stood there and attempted to have a conversation for a while, then he said he had to go back to work. I moved towards him, and gave him a hug. He put his arms around me, and he held me so tight that I felt he would never let go. Part of me didn't want him to. I kissed him on the cheek and told him that he was going to be fine. He shook his head and said that he wasn't. We agreed that we are going to at least attempt to be "friends" (or whatever you want to call it), and I told him not to "wait around for me" because I didn't want him to feel like I was leading him on. "What else am I supposed to do?" he said. "You're the only good thing I've got going in my life right now." I took his hand and squeezed it, then opened the door and let him out. Then he was gone.

I called Devon this afternoon and told her the whole story. We came to the conclusion that men are really the emotional ones, not women. Some man made up that whole "women are the sensitive ones" thing just so the men would look more masculine. Ha. I swear it's true. Every relationship I've ever been in, the guy has been more sensitive and emotional than me. The only time I've ever genuinely cried over a guy was when I tried to get back together with Joe after 10th grade and he said he'd never give me another chance (riiiight). I spent that entire summer moping over him, and I think it was because I was really in love with that kid. I loved Cookie, too, but... I don't know, something changed. Ugh. I should stop talking about this. It's making me depressed.