This entry is going to be very honest, and I'm not censoring anything. I'm really upset right now, and I have to get my feelings out. A forewarning to those of you who don't want to hear about my relationship with Cookie, just stop reading.

So I said I wasn't going to talk about this, but I am. Cookie needs "time." To be quite honest I'm completely confused. For the past 2 weeks or so, he's been living at Doug's apartment. For the first week he always wanted me to come over, and he was always happy to see me. But then all of the sudden it changed.

I confronted him about how I think he should go get a job and stop spending all his time at Doug's. I mean, I'm his girlfriend and I haven't seen him in what seems like an eternity, so I told him how I felt. This was when he brought it up. He said he needed time away from me. I almost think he brought it up to divert attention from the fact that I was trying to help him by saying he needs a job, but he took it as me trying to pester him or something. I don't know, I just think he really took it the wrong way.

Anyway, he said I hurt him too bad, that every time he looked at me or talked to me it reminded him of those two months that we were apart. Okay, when Cookie and I first got back together, it was perfect, I mean it was like a dream to me how good it was, even though now he denies that it ever was. Not to get all gross and detailed and mushy on you guys, but we made love all the time, it was amazing, I loved it, and I couldn't help but think this is the one I'm going to be with forever.

Then he just sprung it on me that he still hasn't forgiven me, that he actually has been avoiding me the past few days. Of course that's going to freak me out, right? He made it sound like he was going to leave me, after everything we'd been through, after proving to ourselves that we really are right for eachother because we endured such hardships. But now this, after I thought our "happily ever after" was just beginning.

I made myself physically sick the other night because he didn't call me when he said he would. I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party, because I hate when people do that (it really makes me want to gag) but seriously, I was not in good shape. I've never felt so strong about someone before, I don't even know why I feel like this about him, I can't explain it.

I've been in love before. I loved Joe, he was my first real love, but comparing what I felt for Joe to what I feel for Cookie makes the relationship I had with Joe look like "puppy love." Not to say Joe wasn't important to me, but I feel things for Cookie that I didn't think were possible to feel. I'm literally shaking as I write this, my breathing is erratic, I just can't think straight. Half the time I don't think he even knows I feel this way.

Oh, and this is real good... Cookie told me he has become friends with a girl named Jessica. He's mentioned her quite frequently within the past couple days, and he said he is "developing a relationship with her similar to the one he had with Nikki." Who is Nikki, you ask? A girl he used to be really close with, so close that they slept in the same bed (like taking naps together and stuff), and he even told me his friends thought there was "something else going on between them."

Now, how am I supposed to feel when my boyfriend tells me he met a girl who he is becoming extremely close to, and then on top of that he needs time away from me. ME! Well, I'll tell you how I feel. I feel like absolute shit. I know he wouldn't, but I can't help but think of him cheating on me. I know he wouldn't, he wouldn't, especially because of all we've been through, but that's just how it looks. You're all on the outside looking in, how does it look to you?

I just got off the phone with Allie, and she lifted my spirits a little. She's really good at doing that to me, something about her advice always seems so genuine. I'm sure she and I are going to be spending a lot of time together now, since my boyfriend needs a break from me. Am I that bad?

As I mentioned in my previous entry, Allie is house-sitting. I went over there last night with her, and it is a really cute house. I can't go over there tomorrow night because I have to work early the next day, but on Wednesday night I think we're gonna have a mini parTAY. I'm excited, and it'll get my mind off things temporarily. I love how alcohol does that, even though the bad feelings come back the next day... I hate this. I really hate it. I am just hating my life right now. I really shouldn't dwell on this, but ohhh it's hard not to.

Another thing that upsets me about this is that Cookie's parents are out of town this week. We had been planning on spending time together, alone, while they were away. I was practically counting down the days until they left. Then I get this. Now we won't even be able to take advantage of the fact that we could have an entire house to ourselves, the fact that we could "be together" (wink, wink), lay in bed all day, not worry about anything except eachother... I can't think of anything I want more than that, and yet it's probably not going to happen (at least not any time soon).

Ya know, I really adore Fiona Apple. No matter how I'm feeling, she always has lyrics to match my mood. Whenever I'm mad at someone, listening to "Limp" always makes me feel better because it's such a bitter song. She's so pissed off in it, I love it...

You feed the beast I have within me
You wave the red flag, baby you make it run run run
Standing on the sidelines, waving and grinning
You fondle my trigger, then you blame my gun
And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
I never did anything to you, man
But no matter what I try
You'll beat me with your bitter lies
So call me crazy, hold me down
Make me cry, get off now, baby
It wont be long till you'll be
Lying limp in your own hand

Ohh yeah, grrr! I love angry music. Ya know, as depressed and lonely and sad as I am right now, I can't help but feel a tad angry at him for this. We were finally perfect, and then weeks after we'd been back together I get this... but I won't complain, I'm letting him do his thing. He swore his feelings towards me wouldn't change, he just needs to "think." He sure as hell better not fall out of love with me, or else there will be hell to pay. I won't let you go that easy Cookie. I won't let you go at all. Ever.

You'll never touch these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown to you

Yeah, that's right. You'll never feel the heat of this soul. ::breaks down crying hysterically:: I can't take this. I just can't. I'm sorry I left you, I'm sorry I was with someone else. I'm sorry. I don't know what else I can do. You gave me a taste of my own medicine, okay? When is it going to be over? It needs to end so we can be together again. I need you. I love you. Okay? I love you, and there's no reason you should be apart from the one you love. You said those exact words to me once, please don't leave me alone too long, you're killing me.

Ah, yes. Just found the perfect lyrics for the mood I'm in. Mmhmm, this is definitely it.

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

I want him so bad it kills. Dang, Fiona really knows what's up. God, I hate this. It just hurts so bad. I wish I could just go into a coma or something during the "time" he needs to "think." ::sigh::

Cookie, I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I never stopped loving you during the timet that we were apart. I'll never stop loving you, ever. In an e-mail you wrote me while we weren't together you said, "I want to fix whatever is wrong. I'll do whatever it takes. I've never been happier than when I'm with you. I need you more than I can explain. I want you to be my last. Please talk to me." That's exactly how I feel right now. I understand now what you were feeling, I know I was horrid to you, and I will do whatever it takes to fix things. I need you in my life, I can't not talk to you like this... please don't make me wait too long.

Remember me near
There may be times when it's not right
for me to be there
But remember me near
Remember me near
There may be times when it's not right
for me to be there
But remember me near

Searching for strength
Can I face this day
Blinded by your love we stay
You're always there
you're in my head
still chasing skies
I need you
Oh, I miss you

I don't suppose anyone has actually read all of this, and if you're reading this sentence it's probably because you just scrolled all the way down because you got bored and thought, "I'll just read the last paragraph to get the main idea." I can't say I blame you. I'm sure this entry was rather boring for everyone except me. I really apologize for sounding like a whiny baby, but I am hurting so bad, and I just had to vent. I couldn't just sit here with all this bottled up in my head. I couldn't do it. But thanks to anyone who really did read it. I think I'm done.