I'm so sick of being sad all the time. Or worried. Or obsessive. Or all of the above, all at the same time. I'm okay at school because I have fun friends around to make things happy. At work I'm at a reasonable emotional level. But at home when I'm alone inside my head, it's unbearable. I have honestly never felt this way in my life. I realized today what an emotional roller coaster I really am.

Toni's baby shower was today. Cookie and I were going to drive to St. Augustine and go together. When I was getting ready, nothing looked right on me. I tried on a zillion outfits and I felt fat in all of them. I'm always nervous when I go to see my dad because I'm terribly afraid he'll make a comment about my weight if I don't look as close to perfect as I can. I finally decided on something to wear, then proceeded to Cookie's house.

We start driving to St. Augustine. So far so good. Then somehow or another I start talking about how much I love him and how he's not as affectionate as he used to be (which he's not, but I must admit he's still a pretty lovey-dovey-touchy-feely guy) and I just get really upset (part of the reason for this is because I was already in a bad mood because of the whole not finding a cute outfit thing). I start crying. He gets irritated because I "cry all the time." I didn't think I cried that much, but he pointed it out to me today.

Throughout the day I would get on these kicks about how I don't want to lose him, I don't want him to cheat on me, I don't want anything to ever happen to our relationship, blah blah blah. Completely stupid stuff that I have absolutely no reason to be worrying about, yet I was making a huge deal. It was ridiculous, and at the time I didn't even know I was doing it.

When we got back to Jacksonville, we went to his house. We start talking about crap again, and I start bawling. Then he gets so fed up that he completely ignores me. Makes me cry even more. Eventually he came over and gave me a hug, asked if I felt any better, and we made up. Ahem. After we made up, I start going on yet again about all that dumb shit that doesn't even matter. Cookie ignores again. I cry again. It's a vicious cycle that's been going on the past two months. Those fucking pills. Why in the flying fucking shit of hell do they make me feel this way? Well, screw that. We'll continue to use condoms and be extra careful, because I'm not how I used to be because of that damn medicine. I don't want to ruin my relationship with Cookie because of freaking birth control pills make me a psycho obsessive stalker-esque girlfriend.

Anywho. We made up again (not that again, we just talked it out) and went to eat with Megan and Brendan. She flew in for the weekend to see Bren because in a few days he leaves for the army. ::tear:: I wish he would stay here, and I wish Megan would go to school here instead of in Pennsylvania. They're two of the nicest people I know and they have to be so far away. It's not fair. So yeah, had dinner and then came home. And now I'm ready for bed because I've worn myself out because of all the unnecessary tears shed. At least I don't have any eye makeup to wash off tonight, ha!